So You Think You’re Bad

Friends, can we begin this little chat by leaving concepts of “goodness” and “badness” (in all their black and white glory) to the 5-year-olds? As we grow up, we learn to recognize nuance, and it is deeply needed here.

Let’s quickly get one more thing out of the way. You aren’t. Bad.

You are human.

And humans, in the right (or dare I say, wrong) circumstances are capable of all sorts of things that fall outside of our value systems. We have lied, we have betrayed people we love (in small or maybe big ways), we have raged on people who did not deserve it, we have failed to be present for our children, friends and partners, we have been selfish, avoidant in moments, we have abused our bodies in a myriad of ways. We have held onto hate and have judged others harshly. We have hurt people we love and been impatient and unkind to strangers.

At some point in our lives, most of us have done at least a couple of these things. Maybe more, maybe all of them. I think it’s important to acknowledge we have parts that are capable of such things; to ignore this fact is dangerous and likely to cause ourselves and others more harm.

But I have digressed. For those of you haunted by these moments, there’s a few things I want you to keep in mind:

Context: What were the broader circumstances happening in your life when you engaged in that behavior? Were you solo parenting toddlers with minimal support? Was your body sick and exhausted or under other major stress? Was your relationship lonely? Were you conditioned to lie as a child because being honest was too unsafe?

Let me be clear, I’m not letting anyone (including myself) “off the hook” for behavior that hurts ourselves and others. But what I am saying is that context matters, and shame only sees our badness, forgoing the larger circumstances. We need to introduce shame to the bigger picture.

Common Humanity: It’s not just you, my sweet. Every single person screws up at some point or another. It’s hard to human.

Trauma Matters: The experiences of trauma (serious incidences or paper-cut injuries to our sense of safety, love and belonging) impact us to act in ways that prioritize our survival needs over the well-being of others. It’s important to get help to heal these injuries- for others, but most importantly, for ourselves.

Remember Your Good: How often do you bring your attention to the good you do in your day? To the moments you lived in alignment with your core values? Moments of patience and presence with your family, with the grocery store cashier, with traffic? Those times you show up with love- for your body, for your friends and family, for the passions and projects in your life? Our brains are wired to focus on the negative. We must, with intention, bring our attention to the good.

There will be a future post on accountability and forgiveness, but for now, I simply want you to be gentle with yourself. And if you feel comfortable, you might delve into some questions:

• What can you look back on and learn from?

• How do you now have more compassion for others because of the mistakes you have made?

• What compassion would you give to others who might have done something similar?

• Can you try to give, even a little, of that to yourself? I know it’s hard… but try.

I’m going to leave you with one last thought: the act of considering and reflecting on your mistakes, even the feeling/belief alone that you are bad, is simply a reflection of how much you care, of how important it is for you to live well and with integrity.

It’s how I know what I know. That you are absolutely, perfectly imperfect.

Always with love,

Christina