Healthy Shame & Guilt

There is such a thing as healthy shame (also referred to as guilt)- and it’s good for us and our relationships!

The function of shame is to keep us belonged- it is to promote pro-social behaviour in relational dynamics.

Here is the key: when we do something (key word- DO) that could harms others, or something that transgresses our values, or something that is out of alignment with who we strive to be- we are meant to feel healthy shame/guilt. To not feel it would make us sociopaths or narcissists 😬…. These feelings bring us into accountability and change our future behavior. They make us and our relationships safe.

Healthy shame/guilt are about behaviours: actionable things we want to learn, reflect on, and do differently in the future.

Healthy shame/guilt is reinforced in early childhood through the process of rupture and repair. For example- you smack your brother, get scolded by your parents, but then are welcomed back into the family fold. (So for the parents in the crowd- please name and set boundaries with the harmful behavior but bring your child back into repair- love & attachment).

Healthy shame/guilt turn toxic when there isn’t a rupture/repair process- i.e. when we do something “bad” but are left alone with that. Or perhaps we don’t do anything at all, but are scolded or punished for something confusing or untrue. Or even worse, perhaps someone does something harmful to us, and we are blamed & projected upon. The outcome is that the emotion which is meant to be helpful, perverts itself inside us, and turns the hatred inwards (i.e. “there must be something bad or wrong about me.”)

Shame then turns toxic when it shifts from clear, concrete, hurtful behaviours (that we can make sense of and repair) to an indictment on who we are as people.

So what I want to say is: please don’t be afraid of healthy shame/guilt! They make you a better, kinder, safer and more loving person.

If you’re stuck in chronic toxic shame- follow me for more 💕

Much love  ~ Christina