The Two Parts of Shame

Typically speaking- people who live with toxic shame experience the emotion in two ways- with both parts requiring different approaches.

The first part is the one that shames us. It says terribly harsh things 😫 For example: “I hate you. You’re disgusting. No one loves you. You’re a terrible person.”

When this part overwhelms the system- there’s a few ways to approach it: (1) with boundaries. (i.e. “We don’t talk to ____ like that anymore.”) which is medium effective because it doesn’t address the core issue, but it’s important nonetheless; (2) By allowing it to overwhelm, and practicing distress tolerance and nervous system regulation (i.e. learning the feeling won’t actually kill us, even though it feels like it in the moment); (3) Befriending it and getting to know its WHY- which is usually that it believes it needs to be that harsh in order to keep us in relationship, or safe/belonged in our world. From there we can do healthy boundaries with it (i.e. “I know you’re trying to protect me- and thank you for that- but can you please be a little less mean.”)

The second part is the one that carries the shame. This part of us believes deeply that she is unlovable, bad or unworthy. This part requires love, tenderness, witnessing, re-parenting (from ourselves), trauma processing, and to learn through repetition that no matter what, we will not leave or abandon her.

If either of these parts feel familiar to you- please get the support of a therapist to help you heal your system as they are so very painful to be with- and you DESERVE to feel safe and loved- in your body and in your life.

Much love ~ Christina ♥️